


With Love.

by MattedZamo



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Fluffy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-16
Updated: 2018-02-16
Packaged: 2019-03-19 09:17:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13701483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MattedZamo/pseuds/MattedZamo
Summary: It's been three weeks since Trixie had to leave for her return to the Army and Katya is up one night to remember the summer she had spent with the solider.





	With Love.

**Author's Note:**

> Isn't it remarkable how one night I can write straight smut and the next it's angst city? 
> 
> Anyway enough about me. 
> 
> TW: Description of depression in here so...
> 
> This isn't beta read so if there's mistakes, I'm sorry. 
> 
> I'm on Tumblr! @mattedzamo

It was one in the morning, her alarm said. The steady green light being the only light that illuminated her dark room. The moon wasn't out, the street lights weren't on, cars weren't passing by, and no one else in the surrounding buildings had their lights on.  
  
The darkness and the silence, it made her remember.  
  
She remembered _her_. The one who's name still weighed heavily on her tongue, who's scent still made her whip her head at rapid speed trying to seek _her_ out, the one who's laugh made her chest tighten, who's words made her tear up.  
  
It was supposed to be a summer of love, and in the end, she was left suffering through a fall of sadness.  
  
She remembered how the sun shone brighter that specific summer, it shone brightly for _her_ making _her_ blonde curls blonder, _her_ pale skin darker, _her_ white smile brighter, _her_ soft skin softer.  
  
The wind passed by a little harder just for _her_. Picking up _her_ pink, white, yellow, orange, red skirts. Coifing up _her_ already coifed up hair. Carrying _her_ loud laugh higher, making it sound sweeter than it already was. Helping her float faster to _her_.  
  
The water became cleaner and clearer for _her_. Splashing _her_ hot skin, cooling _her_ down to match _her_ cool eyes. Clearing up to match the blue in _her_ eyes. Waving at _her_ when it was time to go, teaser at _her_ to make _her_ come back. And pulling away to play with _her_ , make _her_ laugh _her_ sweet laugh.  
  
The ice cream had become sweeter for _her_. Made purer so every taste made _her_ gasp in appreciation. More flavors for _her_ to enjoy. Creative names made to make _her_ giggle as she ordered. Melting faster so _her_ fingers got stickier and she became goofier. More sugar added so she had energy to jump in the sand.  
  
The clock read two o clock in the morning now, the light at the end of her cigarette joining the still steady green numbers.  
  
It was easier now to think her name. Trixie Mattel. It could've been three.  
  
Oh how she wished it could've become three. Her name could've become four.  
  
Her face was what she remembered the most. Her eyes were blue, a sharp blue, untouched by age and life, challenging life itself instead. Her nose was a bit plump, a bit crooked, coated with freckles that happily danced and darkened against her nose; across the plains under her eyes. Her lashes were long, curled, and beautiful, almost invisible when she was pale, unmistakably present when she darkened. Her lips were pink, big and soft. Her tongue was as sharp as a freshly bought knife, as caring as a mother with her newborn child.  
  
And in her head was pure magic.  
  
She was thoughtful, always thinking. Her quick responses would make you think otherwise until you hear what she has to say. She had opinions about everything, and she was never afraid to say them, her confidence in her fighting skills making her confidence in her words much stronger. Trixie was always thoughtful, especially when it came to Katya.  
  
She made them go out, easing into it, knowing that Katya's depression could get bad if she stayed in to long. Their hands were always intertwined, their bodies always close, their own bubble created by their shared breathes.  
  
It was now three weeks since the 22nd of September and like the rest of the world, Katya's light was slowly fading.  
  
She was under the covers, not for warmth, she was a sweaty mess however naked she was. But for a sense of _something_ against her skin, to remind her she has it, to ground her. Her cigarette was out, the smoke still in the air, the scent still in her nostrils. The blanket once smelled of Trixie, now it just smelled of her.  
  
What did she smell like?  
  
She smelled days of unwashed hair, unbrushed teeth, unclean body, not an ounce of water coming in contact with her for days at a time. She smelled of salt, from sweat or from tears she wasn't sure, perhaps a mixture of both. She smelled of different areas of her body that had went unwashed and sweated. She smelled of cigarette smoke, of cold pizza and Chinese food, of spilled tea and coffee and juice.  
  
Her pillows smelled worse.  
  
It was 3:15 am now, according to those green numbers.  
  
She laid flat on her back, training her eyes to the ceiling, making herself reminisce.  
  
She took a deep breath.  
  
She let it out slowly.  
  
She closed her eyes.  
  
She counted to ten.  
  
She opened her eyes.  
  
She reminisced.  
  
There was one day it rained. Of course there were days where it rained, but this one day was different. The rain was coming down hard, brutal, powerful. But not with hate or malice, but it came down bringing something else in the air. A promise perhaps?  
  
They were in bed, Katya on her back, hands folded neatly under her head, Trixie's head by her vagina, both spent, hungry, sticky and naked. The radio wasn't on, neither were the lights and television. It was the two of them and the pounding rain. She wanted a cigarette, but held off, hoping her sense of _something_ coming true.  
  
Trixie was in between her legs, face close to her vagina, breath evenly caressing the sensitive area. It sent goosebumps up and down Katya's skin but she didn't mind. She didn't mind a lot of things. Trixie's body was on its stomach, her hands on her hip and curled under one thigh. Her hair in a loose bun.  
  
Katya closed her eyes to breathe in the scent of the room. It smelled of Trixie:honey, flowers and laughter. It smelled of stale cigarette smoke. It smelled faintly of freshly baked cookies. It smelled of sex. It smelled _comfortable_.  
  
Trixie softly, almost whispered _I love you_. Katya said it right back.  
  
Her eyes were still closed, her hands still neatly folded behind her head, a smile on her face.  
  
Trixie moved and Katya stayed where she was, content in whatever decision Trixie would make. Trixie kissed Katya's clit, making her gasp, and she kept kissing and kissing and kissing until Katya came with a cry. She was gathered up in Trixie's arms and stayed there, crying her happiness, because she felt _love_.  
  
She felt in when Trixie looked at her, when Trixie spoke to her, held her, kissed her, pulled her, fucked her, explained things to her, watched tv with her, ate with her, made food with her, watched her smoke, called her, texted her, joked with her, confidently calling Katya her girlfriend and fought with her.  
  
Somehow, Katya felt loved even when she broke her.  
  
4:00 am.  
  
She remembered the phone call. The one call she didn't know Trixie knew was coming.  
  
It had been the 21st of September, fall teasing it's way into the atmosphere. Katya had went out, by herself, the brisk air swirling around her. Before Trixie, when the air got brisk, she would shiver with the knowledge that the next six months would be long, usually by herself, where only she saw how she suffered, while everyone else just saw another skinny happy blonde.  
  
But the air brought a sense she could pick out, the knowledge that yes it would be tough, but not like before.  
  
She came back in when the phone rang. It wasn't Trixie's usual ringtone of some preppy pop song that would constantly blast through a popular radio station six times an hour. No. It was the regulated ringtone. The one that automatically came with the phone.  
  
Default ringtone.  
  
Katya stayed by the front door, the outside a bright white, the inside a light blue. Hanging up her scarf. She toed her boots of and watched Trixie nod into the phone. She heard her use a soldiers voice- one of discipline, respect, courage.  
  
And Katya stayed in the kitchen, watched from her spot as Trixie went around collecting her things, leaving behind the dresses they had made, the vintage nighties they found in thrift stores and antique shops. Pulling out _Army green bags_ from thin air, stuffing then with _jeans_ and _pants_ and _Army issued shirts._  
  
Questions swirled around her head, and although she couldn't see them, Trixie could. She came up to Katya and explained how she was a solider, belonged to the Army, fighting to proudly be the fifth generation solider in her family. She explained how she was stationed here for a break, under special circumstances she couldn't disclose yet, not until her file was available to her. She explained that they weren't over, not by a long shot. She explained how she had to leave the next day, to a place she never had been to, for reasons not given to her.  
  
And while every piece of Katya broke inside her, Trixie stood strong and explained everything to her.  
  
She explained it with love.  
  
5:00 am.  
  
_No._  
  
_0500_  
  
She remembered laying down on the couch, the last place Trixie had stayed while waiting for her taxi. She promised herself not to cry in front of Trixie. Trixie left, pulling Katya into a one armed hug, whispering _we're not done here_ into Katya's ear. When Katya got back inside, Trixie sent her a message reading _you better wait for me_. It was a message that conveyed so many things.  
  
It was also the last message she received from her.  
  
She made tea, but she didn't drink it. She prepped the coffee maker, but didn't brew anything. She looked for ingredients to food, but left them in the refrigerator. She looked at the mess of an apartment and felt tired.  
  
She went to bed.  
  
She took a nap, still in the clothes she had taken a walk in. She woke up shrouded in darkness, those green numbers her only light. It took her so long to pull the clothes off her body, while her mind slowly shut down on her. She felt it creeping into her; the exhaustion that would ravage her body, rendering herself useless to everyone including her. She knew what was coming, the tears that flowed freely because she had no energy to stop them. The stink that would envelop her body because she had no energy to bathe, the salts, fats, and sugars that would accumulate in her body because she only had energy to eat whatever junk was nearby and not cook real food.  
  
She knew what was coming.  
  
She could only hope that Trixie would be coming back soon.  
  
It was 6 am when she finally closed her eyes, sleep pulling at the edges of her conscienceness. She wasn't necessarily comfortable, but she would make do.  
  
A knock at the door.  
  
Had she imagined it? No one knocked on her door unless she ordered food, and she know she hadn't ordered any. Her phone had died hours ago, she hadn't charged it.  
  
A knock came again.  
  
She sat straight up, regretting it instantly, her body unequipped to handle such projection. She unwrapped the blankets from her naked form and tiptoed to her closet to get a robe.  
  
The front door.  
  
It was baby blue, the paint sun bleached in some spots. It was the door that let Trixie in her life and out her life.  
  
It was a door that was being knocked on.  
  
She unlocked and opened it.  
  
And there she stood.  
  
And with tears in her eyes and streaming down her face, she was being swept up in Trixie's arms.  
  
0700.  
  
They each had a cup of coffee in there hands. They sat cross legged on the bed, in front of each other. Katya listening intently to Trixie as she explained she was done with the Amry, her contracted time up, with a few years window still open in case they needed her for a war. She explained how she was here permanently, or for as long as Katya would have her. To care for her when needed. To marry her for therapy, for the small benefits of being a veterans wife.  
  
_And she did it all with love._


End file.
